CRITIQUE EXAMPLE--Original Story Dark Story - A Father's Dream Copyright 2003 by P. June Diehl In the darkest, deepest part of his soul, the idea started as a seed. Watered by the tears of his embittered anger, the seed grew. He seemed to be outside his body, looking inward. The seed turned from brown to red to green. From the pit of his stomach, it developed vines, weaving through his blood vessels. His organs crumbled in the face of the insidious plant. He was no longer human, becoming some unnamed creature of the night. The cancerous plant filled him from the inside, twisting his body. Arthur screamed. "Arthur! Are you ok?" "Don't know," he muttered, half awake. Where was he? There was only the darkness. "You about scared me to death, screaming like that. Did you have another nightmare?" "Yes, I guess it was a nightmare." His head drooping, he slowly sat up, remembering. Gracie, the love of his life, and his four-year old twins, Jason and Jeremy, were gone. He knew they were gone, dead these last two years, but he couldn't remember what had happened to them. Shaking his head, trying to access his random memories, the scene rushed up to smack his head upright. The sickness quickly took on the name of the Killer Flu. How quickly it all happened. First Jeremy and then Jason the following day; their lives stolen from them before they barely had a chance to know life. Once the twins were gone, Gracie fell into a dark depression and then the sickness enveloped her. Three days after Gracie became ill, Arthur was making burial arrangements, again. At least his loved ones were spared what was to follow. Governments tried to cope. People fought to survive. The international medical profession was at a complete lost, no time for research or testing. Within several weeks millions were dead. Then the bombs dropped from the dark heavens. No one knew who had hit the button first or why. New York City and LA were gone, laying in ruins. Those who survived the Killer Flu found little comfort in the smaller towns where they tended to migrate, away from the radiation, away from the devastation that death brought. After losing Gracie, Author had mindlessly followed some unnamed, faceless group to a town once called New Hope, Pennsylvania. They lived in an abandoned house, about twenty of them crowded into the various rooms. Food came in the form of canned goods found in various stores and houses within walking distance. The sickness followed them here, in spite of the bombs, in spite of everything. Those who were healthy seem to disappear, one or two at a time, not saying a word to the ones they left behind. One day Author walked out of the house, leaving the woman who carried his child, never to return. He could not deal with life, or death. The pain and anger of the memories surged through his very fiber. Why not him? He wouldn't take his own life, but he had no desire to live and moved through time as one of the undead, body alive, but soul nowhere to be found. Author missed Gracie. The softness of her olive skin against his at night. The sweetness of her breath. The jokes that only he found funny. The way she played with the twins. He longed to wake back into his life, a place he understood and flourished, a place where Gracie and the boys lived. This is the nightmare, he though. Reality was lost somewhere in the dark, in the place where the seed hid. Author felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked around at his current companion. She was ebony against ivory, her raven hair contrasting an Irish complexion. He didn't get too close to anyone now. Life became a series of meetings, sickness, and death. "Let me hold you," her milky voice luring him back into her bed. Instead, he stood and stretched like a cat after a long nap. Could he escape this nightmare? He knew the seed from his dream was his soul, in hiding. "Think I'll take a walk first." He turned and left, never looking back.
CRITIQUED STORY Comments are inserted in bold. Anything highlighted in bold will be addressed in the comments, unless obvious. Words in [brackets] should be deleted, words in (parenthesis) should be added, and the rest are simply suggestions. Keep in mind you have three follow-up questions to ask and make notations concerning what you'd like clarified. Dark Story - A Father's Dream Copyright 2003 by P. June Diehl In the darkest, deepest part of his soul, the idea started as a seed. Watered by the tears of his embittered anger, the seed grew. Opening line is excellent. Grabs the reader and promises the revelation of the as yet unnamed idea. He seemed to be outside his body, looking inward. The seed turned from brown to red to green. From the pit of his stomach, it developed vines, weaving through his blood vessels. His organs crumbled in the face of the insidious plant. "He seemed" is passive construction. When looking for an alternative, think of active verbs you might use to convey how he is outside his body, does he drift? does he lurk? "Face" seems odd in the plant analogy. Most plants do not have a typical face; suggest instead that you use a synonym for this usage of the word "face", perhaps "shadow" or another word which might convey the destruction better, such as "carnage." He was no longer human, becoming some unnamed creature of the night. The cancerous plant filled him from the inside, twisting his body. This is a very vivid picture, I suggest expanding on it a bit more to show the need for screaming. Arthur screamed. "Arthur! Are you ok?" "Don't know," he muttered, half awake. Where was he? There was only the darkness. "You about scared me to death, screaming like that. Did you have another nightmare?" A dialogue tag here would introduce the second character right away. "Yes, I guess it was a nightmare." His head drooping, he slowly sat up, remembering. When rising from bed, it's difficult to picture a head drooping until after the motion is completed. Suggest rearranging this to better show your vision of the moment. Gracie, the love of his life, and his four-year old twins, Jason and Jeremy, were gone. He knew they were gone, dead these last two years, but he couldn't remember what had happened to them. Shaking his head, trying to access his random memories, the scene rushed [up](forward) to smack his head upright. Since you used "upright" at the end of the sentence, I suggested the change to "up" earlier in the sentence. You may want to reconsider the way he recalls the death of his twin sons here. Rather than have him unable to recall something that appears to never leave his consciousness, perhaps he's only reluctant to recall those memories and it's this inability to suppress them that forces a volcanic eruption of them. The sickness quickly took on the name of the Killer Flu. How quickly it all happened. It's my opinion that the sickness didn't name itself, I suggest using something like the media to coin its name. Also, you used quickly in two consecutive sentences, suggest changing one. First Jeremy and then Jason the following day; their lives stolen [from them] before they [barely] had a chance to know life. Once the twins were gone, Gracie fell into a dark depression and [then] the sickness enveloped her. Three days after Gracie became ill, Arthur was making burial arrangements, again. Be careful how often you use the word "then", I suggested one place to delete above. Also, the "barely" is an unnecessary adverb, the sentence has more impact without it. The last line doesn't read as Arthur's true thoughts. This paragraph lacks the impact it might have if you were to approach it less like a time-line list of the deaths and more what he truly would recollect at that moment. Arthur is sitting in the dark, grieving for his losses. His memories should be more defined. Choosing particulars about the boys, about his wife, will enrich this segment. Rather than focusing on the days between illness and death, focus on the heartache he felt as he watched them die and then buried them. Be careful when doing this that you don't overdramatize. Simple memories; the color of their hair, the look in their eyes, perhaps something the wife wanted to see as she died, a picture, a particular flower from her garden, something to that effect, will enhance the emotion you're going for here. At least his loved ones were spared what was to follow. Governments tried to cope. People fought to survive. The international medical profession was at a complete [lost](loss), no time for research or testing. Within several weeks millions were dead. Then the bombs dropped from the dark heavens. No one knew who [had] hit the button first or why. New York City and LA were gone, laying in ruins. Those who survived the Killer Flu found little comfort in the smaller towns where they tended to migrate, away from the radiation, away from the devastation that death brought. I think this would be much stronger if you showed it more from Arthur's perspective, than a run down of what happened. By using Arthur's memories to convey this information, you'll keep the reader sympathetic with his character and involve them emotionally in the story. After losing Gracie, Author had mindlessly followed some unnamed, faceless group to a town once called New Hope, Pennsylvania. They lived in an abandoned house, about twenty of them crowded into the various rooms. Food came in the form of canned goods found in various stores and houses within walking distance. Again, although this is interesting, I want to see and feel Arthur thinking this as he sits on the edge of the bed remembering how he came to be where he is. By creating a narrative closeness through Arthur, you'll eliminate the impression this is narrator intrusion. The sickness followed them here, in spite of the bombs, in spite of everything. Those who were healthy [seem to] disappeared, one or two at a time, not saying a word to the ones they left behind. One day Author walked out of the house, leaving the woman who carried his child, never to return. He could not deal with life, or death. I think more needs to be made of his decision to leave the woman who's carrying his child. His fear could be showcased much stronger. I've noticed you tend to use "seem" and "appeared" in your writing. Avoid these usages whenever possible. The difficulty with using these words successfully is that you take the reader out of the reality you're creating. Write what is, not what isn't. When you say something "seems" to be, you're suggesting it isn't really that way. The healthy people above did disappear, that is Arthur's reality, he knows this. Sometimes an author has difficulty showing something in particular because they have a sense of sharing their imagination, rather than sharing the reality of the characters. It's an interesting subject you might want to consider. When writing, show you're confidence in the reality you're building by using concrete words such as "disappeared" rather than, "seemed to disappear." The pain and anger of the memories surged through his very fiber. Although this is an intense line, try showing how this effects, instead of telling the reader it's happened. Why not him? He wouldn't take his own life, but he had no desire to live and moved through time as one of the undead [,](:) body alive, but soul nowhere to be found. Excellent! Author missed Gracie. The softness of her olive skin against his at night. The sweetness of her breath. The jokes that only he found funny. The way she played with the twins. He longed to wake back into his life, a place he understood and flourished, a place where Gracie and the boys lived. This is the nightmare, he though. Reality was lost somewhere in the dark, in the place where the seed hid. Author felt a hand on his shoulder and he [looked around at](to) his current companion. She was ebony against ivory, her raven hair contrasting an Irish complexion. He didn't get too close to anyone now. Life became a series of meetings, sickness, and death. "Let me hold you[," her milky voice luring](." Her milky voice lured) him back into her bed. Instead, he stood and stretched like a cat after a long nap. This is a good image, but it seems languorous for someone with such a heavy heart. Perhaps something more like cracking his neck? Could he escape this nightmare? He knew the seed from his dream was his soul, in hiding. More needs to be made of this last sentence. This is the delivery of the promise you made to the reader in the beginning. In that promise, you suggested the seed was an idea, but here, you indicate it was actually his soul. Some thought should be put into which way you wish to convey the seed. As most of the story refers to his soul, I think that theme would read more true to the soul-searching tone of this story. However you choose to express this theme, remember to make it part of Arthur and his experience. "Think I'll take a walk first." He turned and left, never looking back. Good ending. I think when you add depth to the flashbacks and fully utilize the "seed" theme, it will have a more intense impact on the reader.
10 POINT WORKSHEET Dark Story, A Father's Dream by June Diehl Show Vs. Tell Score:__7___ Although there were moments where your own voice overshadowed that of Arthur, I found myself well-immersed in his character. However, I would work on really extending yourself into the POV character to make certain the information you give, is in their "voice." Character Depth Score:__5___ Again, you developed Arthur fairly well in this short story, but the tale read more like you were just meeting him, rather than having a full understanding of who he is. You showed a life that leads the reader to understand who Arthur has become, but the decision to use informational memories, instead of full-fledged internal thoughts, left Arthur less accessible than he otherwise might have been. Focus Score:__8___ Nice and tight. You kept every detail pertinent to the story. A higher score could have been achieved here if the delivery of the beginning promise had been better realized at the end. Other than that, you kept the reins on your character and allowed him to only dwell on the pertinent information, that which gets him to leave his current partner at the end of the story. Narrative Arc Score:__7___ The logical flow of events was excellent. One idea spawned the next. Each vivid description continued on the path you set out upon. Again, the lower score here is because the original promise did not quite make it through the whole story. Either the promise should be changed, or the realization should be changed. Once that is achieved, the arc will be complete. Narrative Closeness Score:___4__ This is your lowest score. Most of what you wrote could be attributed to Arthur, but I found myself yearning to "hear" his internal voice more. I would love to see his thoughts better reflect his inner struggle and turmoil. I would suggest making a list of the information you've given through the segment regarding his memories, and for each, create a one sentence memory specific to Arthur that will give the same information, but in a much more subtle way. Rather than saying the medical community was at a loss, show how Arthur watched and listened to the news, hoping for a cure, or that an antidote had been discovered. Can you see the difference? One is information shared, the other is sharing Arthur's hope, and eventual pain. Dialogue Score:__7___ Though there wasn't much dialogue in this piece, you did make it realistic. I would have felt more comfortable giving a higher score here had the dialogue tags been a bit more reflective of each character and showed some action to allow your characters to move a bit more during this story. Setting and Descriptions Score:__7___ The setting was nearly nonexistent in this story. Aside from a bed in a dark room, I don't have any visual picture of where Arthur is now. However, I decided that your descriptions regarding the "seed" were so awesome, it bumped the score much higher than I originally intended. I think this score could be much improved by adding in more personal details during the memory sequence as well. Your image of the seed growing into an internal vine show you have the talent to pull it off. Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling Score:__9___ There was very little work for me to do in the technical aspect. I would suggest watching for "seems" and "appeared" in your work, as I stated in the crit. Some word choices could have been stronger, but overall, your choices were utilized correctly. Point of View/Head Hopping Score:__10___ You kept completely inside Arthur throughout. The second character did not intrude once. There was nothing in this story Arthur could "not" know and you maintained his POV throughout very well. Plotting/Hooks Score:__7___ Here you were a little shaky. The original promise of the seed being an "idea" you will eventually reveal to the reader did not materialize. I assume this was simply the wrong choice of words sprung from the popular cliche of an idea starting out as a seed. I would carefully ponder what you want this story to portray. As a reader, I enjoyed the journey of learning his motivations for continuing to walk out of the lives of people he's encountered since the deaths of his family, but the depth was lost by the informative nature in the memories. The story is very close, but not quite there. Additional Comments: June, I feel you have a strong voice and your writing is excellent. In the way of structure, technical craft, and imagery, you've developed your skills to a wonderful level. I believe your focus should now be plotting and learning how to create a promise to the reader, then deliver on that promise in a way that will grab the reader and satisfy their hunger to know the outcome. TOTAL SCORE: _71_ 81-100=You are ready to submit! 61-80=Needs work, but you're almost there! 41-60=You have a few problematic areas, but you show promise! 21-40=Increasing your knowledge about the craft of writing will help you advance. 20 and below=You could benefit from exploring the recommended reading list, perhaps take a few courses, and more practice.